Lady's Mind (part 2)

Moving on ... I'm not a teenager anymore.

2008-02-07T00:03:00.001Z

Quando entrei para a faculdade pensei em começar um novo blog, da mesma forma que comecei este, para celebrar e marcar o início de uma nova fase. Mas apenas agora, ao fim de 3 semestres (e metade do meu curso) é que me começo a sentir como uma universitária e começo a encontrar os meus pares. Tenho esperança de manter o espírito positivo do meu penúltimo post e de evitar os sentimentos (e as situações!) que me levam a posts como o último.

Caso ainda não tenham percebido (o que é provável) isto é, mais uma vez, a despedida. Mais uma vez vou mudar de blog. Não só porque sinto que é o terminar de uma fase mas também uma mudança de atitude perante os outros e perante o próprio blog. Acho que quando o comecei não tinha em mente um diário público das minhas angústias, mas sim um sítio onde pudesse discutir as minhas ideias e opiniões. É isso que vou tentar nesta nova fase e espero que me acompanhem. Quem sabe, talvez volte ao meu bom velho diário, tão só e abandonado no caos que é o meu quarto.

Agradeço a todos os que se deram ao trabalho de ler e comentar este blog e espero que assim seja no próximo.

Se quiserem saber de mim, estarei voando com o vento. =)

2008-02-02T21:33:00.000Z

I'm a fraud.

I can't keep to what I said previously.

I just need to know there is something I am good at.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I never thought it would be so hard.
If it's truly my calling, shouldn't it come easier? Shouldn't it be easier for me, to focus, to work, to fight?
I don't want everything handed to me in a silver platter. There's no value in that, I know.
But I tried, so hard. I feel I already gave all I had and it's not enough.

What if....? What if this isn't what I was born for after all? What am I going to do then? What am I going to do at all?

Happiness

2008-01-30T22:00:00.000Z

I believe I heard some one say, once, or maybe I read it somewhere, that happiness is not a destination but a way.

I don't believe in it. It is something I believe it is made by little somethings on the road.
I can, now, consider myself a happy person, not because I have everything I want, because I don't. Not because I don't have a care in the world, that's not true either. But I enjoy those little precious gifts that life actually delivers.
You may mock me for caring too much for little things; you may laugh at me for staring at flowers with awe, for they are truly little wonder; you may not understand why somethings that no one else cares about, fascinates me; why I squee over an anime or a Spidey graphic novels.

I don't care, because the truth is, most of the time, we have so many things on our minds that we forget how actually lucky we are. Yeah, thing are expensive and we lack money, but money can't buy you happiness. And most things that can are not that expensive. Don't you have friends? Family? Someone who cares? When you do something right don't you feel proud? Doesn't the smiles on the ones you love cheer you up? Isn't this enough? It should be, in the world we live, it definitely should be.
And, yes, sometime it is hard to think this way, almost impossible. Some things bring you down, some people will insist on raining on your parade. To those I can only say how I pity them, for not being able to join the parade instead.
And there are tragedies that break you down, but time does heal.

Of course, this is how I see things, most of the times. How I try to stay blissful, to enjoy every little moment of it. How I go through the worst moments.

And if by any means this frustrates you, demeans you or just piss you off; that wasn't my intention. I don't mean to rub it on your face, I'm just trying to share it.

RIP Heath Ledger

2008-01-23T17:27:00.000Z

I still can't believe he's gone... =(

28 years old and a good actor (in my opinion)... talk about a waste. damn.

Yet another confession...

2008-01-10T14:15:00.000Z

I confess.

Every now and then, he pops into my dreams. I can't help it.
I don't need to actually SEE him to remember him, to think about him. To bring all those feelings back.
I find him when I'm not looking for him.

I confess.
I still run when I see him, 'cause everytime I do, it's like a punch in the gut.
He still messes with me. I'm not indifferent, I don't think I'll ever be.
And I know I shouldn't be writing about him again, but the truth is that I've been always thinking about him. And the further away he is, the more I think about him. Silly isn't it.

And I confess.
Don't let yourself be fooled. In my stories, in my fantasies, all characters mean something. They represent something or someone. And I confess that I'm tempted to "kill" him in every story I can fit him. It helped the last time.

And I Confess.
I still miss my boys and girls. I think about them everyday. I remember them every night, before I go to sleep. And I miss them everytime. My life was changed that summer.

Numb

2007-12-31T14:01:00.000Z

I don't know what happened.
I don't know what triggered it.
I don't know why I feel so angry, so desperate.
I don't know why I can't fight it.

All I know is I seem to alienate every person in the world who cares. And I can't even stop myself from doing it.
I don't think I ever hated myself as much as I hate myself right now. What about that for a New Year's resolution? Stop hating myself. I'm not sure I'll keep up to that.
Lately I just feel I disappoint everyone, including myself.

I feel so tired.
I can't sleep.
It just hurts. And even that is stopping. I'm going numb.

I guess I'm just fulfilling my own prophecy. I'm the one who said I'd end bitter and alone. I'm certainly working for that.
Now, not only I believe that I won't find someone who'll love me, I'll manage, somehow, to push away everyone that cares. I already doing it.
Most strange people leave me uncomfortable or I leave them uncomfortable, so I can't even make new good friends that can help me get through this.

And that's is why I hate myself. Because I suck at getting along, at keeping things light, at doing things right. That's where I fail, with people. And you can't live without them, 'cause no man is an island, right?

2007-12-17T09:46:00.000Z

Encontrei o amor da minha vida.

E antes de começarem a dizer, ou sequer pensar, o que quer que seja, leiam até ao fim.

Sei que só somo 19 primaveras, mas também sei que já aprendi muito, principalmente sobre mim mesma. Afinal de contas, eu sou uma das pessoas mais egocêntricas que eu conheço. O que eu aprendi sobre mim mesma, ao fim destes anos todos, é que eu não sou constante, sou instável e nunca sei o que quero. Desde que me conheço que já tive muitos "rapazes ideais". Já gostei de loiros de olhos azuis, morenos de olhos escuros, morenos de olhos verdes, ruivos e loiros de olhos verdes. Há para tudo. E o que aprendi também é que isso não importa muito. Ou melhor, não importa nada.

Mas aprendi mais uma coisa sobre mim mesma: em todos os momentos de dúvida, de viragem, em todos os momentos em que eu não sabia para onde me virar, houve uma coisa, uma paixão que nunca se alterou. E foi por isso mesmo que descobri aqui o amor da minha vida. É belo e imenso, está sempre presente e tem muito para dar. Conheço-o desde sempre e desde há muito que vivo obcecada. Quero conhecer todos os segredos e desvendar todos os mistérios, e ainda assim ter muito para descobrir. Toda a gente conhece e tem mais anos que todas as pessoas que eu conheço juntas. E se ainda não descobriram, eu estou a falar da Biologia.

Desde o 7º ano que eu sei o que quero ser. Esqueçam os raros e curtos momentos de dúvida, porque é uma vocação e a algo assim não se resiste.

É à biologia que eu quero dedicar o resto da minha vida. É a minha paixão, a minha vocação, eu nasci para ser bióloga.
Eu considero-me uma pessoa racional. Mas, sendo escorpião, sou bem mais intuitiva do que as pessoas pensam. E esta é a prova. Nunca tive certezas de nada. E em todas a vezes que pensava que ter a certeza, sofria uma grande desilusão. Mas eu nunca deixei de ter certezas sobre o que queria seguir. É instinto. É tão natural para mim como respirar.

Por isso, esta é a minha resposta. Isto é a resposta a uma das perguntas que oiço mais vezes: "Porquê Ciências e não Artes?"

Those Days

2007-11-26T12:46:00.002Z

There are days that can be cloudy, rainy and stormy; days when a freaking blizzard could fall and I'd still feel warm and fuzzy inside. Days when I'm so blissful and energetic, I feel so witty and smart and confident; when I am really aware of how strong and lucky I am.
And there are those days when not even the clear blue sky, the golden bright sun and the warm colours of the fall can take the cold away from my heart; when no matter how many layers of clothing I'm wearing I still feel the chills and shivers at the end of my spine. Days when I feel so worthless and purposeless, when I feel like a misfit that can't really find a place to belong.

There are days when the simple thought of my friends and family makes me smile; it reminds me of how blessed I am they came into my life, how I could never have chosen better.
Then there are those days when it seems that no one really understands how I feel; when they seem so swamped in they're own problems that don't care about mine (and vice versa); days when no one really says what I need to hear. It's when I miss the most those that, somehow, I ended up leaving behind.

There are days when I see the world through the eyes of a happy child, so colourful and alive, huge and unexplored.
Yet, there are those days when I'm chocked by the indifference that surrounds me; when the world seems so small, not in size, but in heart.

There are days when I feel so gifted and capable of such amazing things. When I'm awed by my own ability to express myself with drawings, beside words. When how much I improved in the last years makes me proud.
Still, there are those days when my hands are so shaky I can't draw the angst or the anger I feel. Days when the words just won't come out.

Those days when the weight of all my past "traumas" and issues, of all my kinks and quirks fall on my shoulders. Days when all ancient wounds open and bleed; when all my fears come to haunt me at night. Days when everything seems to fall apart and crumble, when I can't find my strength or something to hold on to.

How can you tell the difference?

You can't, unless you're my mom or a very good observer; 'cause nothing really changes. I still walk straight and look forward, with my head high and my feet steady. The only things that give me away are my hands: as unsafe and unstable as I feel inside.

Into Fiction

2007-11-15T20:58:00.000Z

I do complain often how I emerge myself in books and series and animes. And people do call my attention to that.
I do distract myself a lot, my thoughts wandering into remembrances of movies I watched and books I read; I do spend most of my day daydreaming; I do have lots of fantasies living in my head.

And I know why. I know I do not have a dysfunctional family, there are worst. But I did have a fatherless childhood. I hardly remember any moment with my dad before the divorce. After all, I was only 4 then. My sister, though, she was already 9 and she felt it much harder. I can understand that. What I can't understand is how 15 damn years later she's still an unbearable pain in the ass, and getting worst. The tension in my house between her and my mom is tangible, you can almost split it with a knife. Dinners are either silent or end in a fight. I'm often edgy at home, and my mom even worst. And no matter how much it hurts me, I am aware that the one this is more painful to is my mom and she's been through so much, she doesn't deserve a daughter like my sister. So I try to compensate for her (and I fail so many times!) and I try to support her and to be as good a daughter I can be. But I get tired too and moody. Sometimes I snap too. Even still, when I do have a great day or even a not-so-bad day, I try to spread and share that happiness. And again I fail, mostly because my sister is completely immune to other people's feelings. I am, in the end, the joy of the household. Or I try to be, at least for my mother, because she deserves it more that anyone.

And that is why I bury myself in fiction. I have to get out, to blow off steam, to hang on to something and since a very young age, books and tv series have been my escape. From the Disney comic books to the Sandman Library, from Tom & Jerry to CSI, from Harry Potter to Neil Gaiman, the purpose is the same. To escape to somewhere else.
And now I need it more than ever. College is hard and not everything goes as easy as Genetics; I'm having a best friend crisis; my father's farther than ever; and home feels less like it everyday. (Not everything's wrong, though, I still have very good friends who really are there for me and that can be reasonable when I can't and I'm really making new friends at school and feeling really motivated =) )

But I'm used not to have someone by me. I'm used to face things alone or to escape to fiction. And it works. And I'm not complaining anymore about it, because there are times that not even your friends can help you with the twists and turns of life. (wow! great finishing sentence,huh? XD) And I'm not saying that fiction can, but it turns it bearable.

ps: I openned my heart and soul here, I rarely talk about this stuff so if you're just going to flame or blame me for this (yes, this time I might just be talking to you) just don't. I won't publish anyway. Thank you.

2007-11-11T18:34:00.000Z

Numbing afternoons in front of the screen

The music loud enough so I can't hear the voices in my head

The water running, I breath out

I punch the doors, what good is it?

I wish to scream until my lungs colapse

And still, curled in the bathroom door, I won't shed a tear

I'm not afraid to keep on living, I'm not afraid to walk this world alone

Dancing on the Street

2007-10-25T22:41:00.000+01:00

So I've come to a conclusion, recently.

Maybe it was obvious for the whole world that was my problem all the time, but not for me.

Since a long time, I've been living to impress. I listen to the music my friends like, I wear the clothes everyone expects me to wear, I act the way the world wants me to act.
But if I'm going to be different, if I want to truly be One of a Kind, if I want the "About me" in this blog to be true, I have to let all that things go.

So what, if not all that I listen is Metal? So what if I can't recall every detail in every anime I ever watched? So what if I'm not a geek or a nerd or a computer addict or pro?
So what if I decide to buy a sweat-shirt with only one sleeve? Or if I decide to turn my closet pink and green and blue? So what if I don't picture myself wearing baggy pants or a different clothes?

It's not about being close-minded or something. Is a matter of taste and choices. MY taste. MY choices.

So what if playing bass is not my top free-time priority? So what if I prefer drawing or writing?
So what if I'm hopeless romantic?
So what if I find a men in aprons or shirts rather sexy?
It's my fucking right, dudes!

So fuck society, fuck standards, fuck stereotypes. I don't care if it works with you, because it may not work with me.
So... friends opinions are always valuable, but not unfalible. They're not always right and neither am I. So I'm going to stop acting to impress my friends. I'm going to stop dressing to impress. I might even dig out my old ragged jeans from the closet.

I'm happy and I don't care if you think it's lame or "sad". Shove it. I don't want to hear.

Aftere living most of my life like a misfit and hating it, I'm lovin' it.

I feel like dancing in the street. =) fuck yeah!

And you know what? Maybe I don't have the guts, the heart and the soul to love. But I can deal with that. And I can live with that. So don't tell me I need love to be happy, because I never felt better and I'm not in love. There, not everyone was born to love and not to all is love a priority.

So what do you say, Dearly Anonimous? Have I dug out of my grave yet?

Why don't you like me without making me try?

words in italic "Grace Kelly " by Mika

Rant

2007-10-05T00:36:00.000+01:00

Disclaimer: this is the rant of an angry, miserable soul. You might be offended, as I'm about to be a bitch. If you think I will offend you, do not read. You've been warned, read at your own responsibility. I won't even bother disabling comments, as no one ever comments here anyway.

Where shall I begin? I'm tired. I don't want to feel this anymore. I didn't ask for it. This time I didn't. I was happy. I had embraced the fact that I would be alone and I was happy. And then, he shows up and blows it. I'm tired of being sad because I don't see him and being frustrated when I actually do see him. I'm tired. I feel lonely, and desperate, and hollow and he's not fucking helping. Enough.

I'm lonely and I'm needy. I need a hug, I need a friend that is more than words on a screen, I need something more than a voice on the other tip of the line. I need my best friend back, someone who can read me like a book and knows I'm down and knows why without even asking. I need someone to call to check on me, not only when he/she needs me. I need company.

I'm tired of fights. I want to set free. Sometimes I don't feel home when I'm home.

I'm overwhelmed. I've got a huge dark hole in my heart and is pulling everything down. It's a weight and it hurts like hell. I want to cry and I can't. When I need, I can't.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay. I'm tired of smiling and laughing and being the "joy of the household". I'm tired of cheering (or trying to)up people, when I also need it. I'm tired of being strong when I feel so vulnerable. I'm tired of not knowing if I am what I think I am.

And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the dark and the unknown. I'm afraid of never being loved. I'm afraid I might end up bitter and alone. I'm afraid I'll never find the right person. And I'm afraid I might have found him and he's taken and I can't act. I'm afraid that the chances I lost were the last ones I had. I'm afraid I won't make it. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'm afraid that there are bad things in my past that I've forgotten. I'm afraid there are something people aren't telling me. I'm afraid I'm paranoid.

I'm so tired. Of being afraid, of feeling overwhelmed. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Same old...

2007-09-25T23:47:00.000+01:00

Same old questions, same old answers
Isn't there anything new to say?

Same old doubts, same old fears
Same old things and stuffs and issues
Same old feelings, same old emotions
Same old hate and love and passion

Same old loneliness, same old closure
Can't I change?!

What's the point in talking? What's the point in discussing same old stuff?
No one's going to tell me something new
No one's going to give a reason to move on
No one's going to say what I need to hear

Same old feelings, same old pain

If this could be the last time

2007-09-22T00:06:00.000+01:00

There's a lot going in my head right now.

A lot. Really.

Not everything is ready for school, but almost.

There's someone who's fading away and I must stop it.

My father's gone and so is my little sister.

My cousin is leaving. Maybe we're not that close, but still.

And still...
If only this could be the last time I write about you.
With all these stuff going in my mind and my life, I still manage to think about you.
Someway, somehow you still find your way into my conscience.
When I go out, I expect to see you everywhere I look.
I find myself trying to convince myself there's no reason for me to find you now, and still...
I look for you anywhere I go.

I hate this.
If only this could be the last time I think about you.
I promised myself so many times now not to think of you, not to talk about you.

When I think about it, I find I have more reasons to hate you than to like you.
You, in some way I can't figure out, can strip me from all my qualities.
You can freeze me with a glance. You leave me speechless, breathless.
You make me feel like I'm nothing and never will be.
That I'll never be good enough for you. That it's either you or no one and that you're not going to be it.
You crush me, you burn me, you... make me hate myself, like I never did before.

Then... why do you attract me so? Why do you haunt me? Why does it bother me so?
Why do I wanna see you, know you, feel you?!
Why don't I hate like I should?
Why can't you just be another face in the crowd, another shadow?

If only this could be the last time...

2007-09-12T17:15:00.000+01:00

It's true the way I feel / Was promised by your face

The sound of your voice / Painted in my memories

Even when you're not with me I'm

With you

"Deep Inside Me"

2007-09-11T18:12:00.001+01:00

Deep, deep inside me
There's a flame that still burns
Powered by fuel no one else
Could provide

In his green eyes
I saw something
Not even I can define

I don't know what I will do
When I get to face him again
And I don't know what I would do
Were I to never see him again

I would move on, I hope
But how?
How damaged, how hurt?
Would I ever be able to forget him?
To find someone else or
To live alone
Endlessly

I can't stop his face from popping in my head
I can't stop myself from dreaming
I can't get those green eyes from my heart

And also, like thorns, those cold glances he shot
me
Are carved into my soul
Into my conscience
So deep, deep inside me

Ode ao Blog

2007-08-30T22:38:00.001+01:00

Por todas as palavras

Todos os enigmas

Os sentimentos e emoções

As noites de insónia

Os medos e as paixões

As feridas na alma e no coração

Os gritos de alegria

Relatos do quotidiano

Opiniões

Tudo aqui escrito e revelado

De coração aberto

E alma despida

De olhos fechados e mãos agéis

Entreguei a este blog um pouco de mim

Obrigada a todos os que lêem.

Muito obrigada a todos que comentam.

2007-08-23T23:38:00.000+01:00

É difícil não pensar, não sentir

É difícil esquecer, fingir que não aconteceu

É difícil seguir em frente, sem olhar para trás

Tenho de seguir em frente, mas não sei se consigo

Nem sei se quero mesmo isso

A cidade perdeu o encanto

É demasiado cinzenta, demasiado vazia

Demasiado fria

Quero voltar atrás

Quero aquelas 2 semanas de volta

Vivê-las outra vez

Quero saltar este ano

Que seja Verão outra vez

Tenho de seguir em frente mas não sei se consigo

Ficou tanto para trás

Tenho saudades

2007-08-18T22:23:00.000+01:00

One week gone... how many more until my life starts again?

Uma semana que passou... quantas mais até a minha vida começar outra vez?

Forever young, I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever, forever and ever

Forever young, I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever? Forever young

Out of Reach

2007-08-14T22:52:00.000+01:00

Acabou...

Por este ano, por um ano...

Ai... as saudades

Os momentos

Os sorrisos

Os meus meninos e as minha meninas

O acordar

O adormecer

O correr do dia

O ruído

E agora... o silêncio, o vazio, o escuro....

Last week I felt Alive

RollerCoaster

2007-08-03T23:04:00.000+01:00

Another week, another challenge! Here we go!!

*YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY*

Finally!

Hit and run

2007-08-03T00:37:00.000+01:00

So I was just wandering on dA, for a change, and then something hit me hard in the chest and I don't know what. (metaphorically of course!)
I just felt a huge weight on my heart, I still feel it, like something is wrong and I don't what.
And the only thing that I can think of is my own fear of solitude, of ending alone, unloved. The fear that there will never be someone (and by that I mean a man, of course, I'm not talking about fraternal love) for me. And please, pleaaase, don't give me the it-will-happen-when-you-least-expect-it crap 'cause I HAD LOST ALL HOPE, I WAS READY TO BE ALONE and then... then... he showed up. And I don't even know him. As far I know it he can be an ass and not the knight in shiny armor I think he is (not that I think is that, the one thing I dream of is that he will fall for me, just like that, dumping his girlfriend and all...) but that's not it.
It's just that huge, tremendous fear that I'll end up alone. All alone. Because (I hate to think that) one day I'll lose my mom, right? It just happens. I hate to think about that, but it will. And more and more I feel I tend to scare away everyone I like and that cares for me. I'm not saying it's always my fault. But sometimes it is. I'm too proud, I'm too mean, too aggressive, too secretive. Damn it... DAMN IT!
I hate that you know? But sometimes I NEED to feel that I'm loved, that people miss me, that they can see they're wrong just the way I see it when I'm wrong. I need to know that people need me, because I'm not going to depend on someone that doesn't need me as well. I'm not. I did that once and then it all went down and it hurt like hell and I'M NOT GOING TO PASS THROUGH THAT AGAIN. I'm not... yes I've got issues, I've got a lot of unsolved issues. Yes, I am bruised and hurt and no, I don't think I'm the only one. But I am bruised and hurt and been broken and then fixed more times people can imagine.
I like to think I do my best to show sympathy, to try to relate, try to understand my friends when they are hurt, when they have been broken, and I NEVER, NEVER underestimate how they feel. NEVER!
So why, tell me, WHY do people keep saying it's obsession? Why don't they understand my fears? Why don't they understand my tears, or at least fucking TRY to? Why?

You know... I used to think that the most appropriate sin for me was pride but it's not. It's wrath. I'm so full of rage. All this unsolved issues and lack of someone who does appreciate and sympathizes drives me crazy. So don't wonder I'm on a bad mood.

Confession III

2007-07-29T23:04:00.000+01:00

This passion still weights in my chest.
Like lead, it sinks and drags my heart with it.
It burns
It stings
It hurts
And what can I do?
For now, nothing... and when I can, will I do it at last?
Will I have the guts to ?
Let's hope so
'Cause I can't take it no more...

They

2007-07-17T20:30:00.000+01:00

Yes, it is here, in the grey heart of the city, that I miss its green leafs the most. The sweet scents, the soft sounds, the fresh touch of the wind.
Yes it is here that I miss it the most.

And it is here, in the sometimes cold womb of my so called home, that I miss them the most. I miss their smiles, their laughter. I miss their small faces and gentle eyes. I miss heir open arms, their warm hearts and their kind souls.
I miss my boys and my girls. I miss my little men and little women.
It’s when there a fight, that I recall their innocence, their strength. It’s what keeps me going.

Once I was like them, free and innocent. Now, I still walk among them, they’re the reason I’m there. They’re the reason I keep going. I don’t feel tired, I don’t need caffeine to keep me awake, if they are there. They keep me alive. They make life make sense. They are worth everything.
Yes, it was tiring, it was exhausting. And it was worth every second, every minute of it.

And that’s why I cry, in the end. Because it was only a week and now it’s gone. And there only be another week like that in a year and if so. I cry because I’m going to miss the warmth in this cold hearted city of mine. And in the end, we switch places, and they take my role. They take off my glasses and wipe my tears, they comfort me and hug me. They, little children understand what grown ups never will.

Life as I know it II

2007-07-16T18:45:00.000+01:00

Perfectly imperfect, life's always worth living.
It's always worth to live for your friends, for your family, for yourself, for life itself.
It's always worth to fight for your dreams. To hope.
It is always worth the attempt.

Trust me.

Dreams are worth fighting for. Not shallow dreams. Those you have since a long time ago. They come true.
Life is worth living, sometimes for the big things, always for the small things: little smiles, little gestures, little glances.

Life is worth living. Always.

Confession II

2007-06-28T18:39:00.000+01:00

It's still here.

I still want him.
I still like him.
I'm still in love.
And like this it shall remain.

He's still the one.
And, honestly, I couldn't care less.

ps: No comments 'cause this is a statement. There's nothing you can say that will make me bounce or change my mind. Sorry 'bout that.

Confession

2007-06-23T14:29:00.000+01:00

I confess

I still think about him.

I still wonder if he is the one.

I still wonder if I threw it all away.

I still wonder how much longer will this last.

I still wonder if I'll end up alone.

20 past midnight and still awake

2007-06-19T00:25:00.001+01:00

How lonely and desperate must I be to create an imaginary friend? (with 18 years old)
How? To give a face to a voice in my head?

I'm a fraud. A lie. A fake. I'm not what people think I am. Never was. Never will be. I don't know who I am. I just try to be something.
And you should all hate my guts for that. Because I do.

I got so attached to the past. To some people in my life I don't know if I should still allow them.
I'm so addicted to so many things I really shouldn't be. Because they'll fade. Like everything does.
And a part of me fades each time. And it hurts, and stings and burns and still I let it fade. What I shouldn't let fade and I get attached to what I should let go.

And now, I can't even cry. I want to so much. I need the relief tears bring. I need to feel this weight out of my shoulder and chest. I need to. And I can't. It just feels fake and the tears won't come out. And I'm shaking and sobbing and the fucking tears still won't come out.

- Let me cry. Please let me cry. -

How desperate do I need to be to beg to cry?

How much despair does it take for me to actually cry?

Fifteen to midnight

2007-06-18T23:45:00.000+01:00

It's fading. I can't feel it fade. And trust me, it is not painless.

So what do I do?
Let it fade? That would mean I gave up.
Struggle? And do what? What I failed to do so far?

And if it does fade? What will I have then?

Because if he's not the one, then who is?
Better yet, will anyone ever be the one?

It's late. I've got an exam tomorrow. Good night.

Whatever

2007-06-10T21:16:00.000+01:00

I'm exhausted. So exhausted. I've been studying for the last 4 days for the exam I have tomorrow and I dont't feel prepared at all. It's frustrating. I've been so unfocused this week, I spent a few bad nights and so I've been so tired. And I made breaks, I set goals and still, as I making a few self-evaluation exercises I noticed I knew nothing of what I've been studying. I think I'm going nuts. Right now I'm on the verge of tear, I'm so fucking desperate because I don't wanna fail because if I fail this one how in hell am I going to pass fucking statistics? And if I fail how am I supposed to study for the 2nd call if I going to be working then? How am I going to attend the 2nd exam? Fuck. I'm so screwed. And it's all my fault. I should have attended the theorical classe, but they were so tedious and so early in the morning. I was lazy, unmotivated and now I'm screwed. Fuck.
And this is not about him at all. I'm not going to say I haven't thought about him in the last days, because I have. But moderaly! Only at night on in the shower (and please don't assume that I'm thinking about that because that's not what I'm talking about). I think is just exhaustion taking over me that left me so unfocused. After all, from last saturday (not yesterday) to last tuesday I studied for the exam I had last wednesday (who went great, btw) and I spent all concentration and energy. And somehow Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning wasn't enough. God, I'm so weak, how am I going to succeed in college if ONE exam leaves me this exhausted? Fuck.
How...and last Sunday, I dreamt about him, again. It's the fifth dream and in this one he spoke to me. "Why do you still have any doubts?" he asked. And I felt angsty all day. Fuck.
And 2 days later, in the day of the exam, I wasted, completely wasted, a thousand opportunities! I'm such an idiot AND a coward. Fuck.

I'm so mad. Yesterday I was so confident, for some reason, on my strenght, on my intelligence, on my personality. Now look at me? I'm pathetic. I'm not even smart enought to keep myself focused, I'm not strong enough the hold the pressure without breaking, and what personality I have if I can't even look at him! Fuck. Fuck! FUCK!

It's just one of those days, ya know? Maybe it's the weather; rainy, gloomy days depress me. But it's not just that. It's me. Sometimes I just hate everything about myself. EVERYTHING.

Slow Motion

2007-05-31T22:28:00.001+01:00

In every touch of green I find in my path, I look for your eyes
In every face, every distant shadow, I expect to find your smile
Every blow of the wind, I wish it to be the touch of your hands
Every drop of rain, I want to feel in it the taste of your lips

With dawn comes hope that this will be the day I'll lose all my fears
And with dusk comes the angst for being coward one more day

Every night I fall sleep with your face in my mind
And every morning I wake up with your presence in my heart

Every time a door opens, every time someone passes me by
I'm hoping that's your steps I hear behind me

Whenever I suspect that you may be near by
My heart races and the blood runs faster

I freeze, instantly, everytime I hear your name

When I actually see you, the worlds stops
And when it starts moving, it moves in slow motion
Taking you slowly away from me

And when you're not here is when you're closer
'Cause if you get too close, you'll feel further away
Out of reach

And I... run
I freeze
I can't move, I can't react
Sometimes it's even hard to breath
I panic
I can't even smile
Wave
Show you that I'm there
And that I know you're there

I'm sorry... because I want to but I can't
I lose control

I'm in your hands, it's in your hands
And it shouldn't be
But I don't think mine are steady enough to take this.

Full drawing here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/56637671/

"I'm confused right now..."

2007-05-19T20:09:00.000+01:00

I'm confused right now.

Thinking about you doesn't make butterflies in my stomach anymore and my legs feel steady, so yeah, I'm sitting, but if my knees trembled I would have felt it anyway.

But still... I was coming home today and passed through a bus and somehow, for some reason I looked back, just in case you might be there, looking at me through the window. Now, how silly is that?

Before that, when I was prepping to go out, I thought "I had to look good, who knows if I'm not going to bump into him on the street." Now that's even more silly, ain't it?

Back in the day (it seems like a looong time ago) I should always try to look good, 'cause you never knew when I was going to meet the "man of my dreams". Not that I actually did that. Sometimes I just don't give a damn.
The point here is I don't even consider that they're might any other person for me out there. I'm not worried about causing a good impression to anyone else.

So... can someone really tell me what the hell is going on? Because I'm not quite sure if I felt so sure. Yeah, I know, I always say "it's for real this time". But yeah, this time it's different. And let me just say: this time I didn't adjust it to my "likings", or the other way around. I do have a thing for musicians and I really care about having at least similar interests, and he plays the guitar and he likes pianos and he likes metal and rock. And I do like a guy with an attitude. And at least that he has. I can't tell you for sure how he is or how he acts, I can only tell you my opinion based on what I watch and what I've read, so I don't know. Do you think he can be the one? At least for now?

ps: from now on, everytime the post title has " " it means it's a sentence from the text, most probably the first one. This kind of post are like thoughts, that's why have breaks and pauses and hesitations. Just so that you can (try to) understand how I wrote them. Oh! And they will all be in italic, any words that are not, are not considered "thoughts".

"It's gone... or is it?"

2007-05-16T12:59:00.000+01:00

It's gone. or is it?

I don't know. I still got your face carved in my mind, everytime I close my eyes, I see your smile. I can still see you like I saw you the last time. It's not gone. or is it?

Because the butterflies in my stomach settled down, I don't feel nervous and consumed when I think about you. I don't feel lame and embarassed when I think about the oportunity I missed. So is it gone?

I don't know, do you?

If this means that it's gone or if it means that I'm ready?

"the meaning of a smile"

2007-05-05T21:34:00.000+01:00

One word. One simple word and your face stuck to my memory.
Too close. You were too close and I knew that, I felt that.
One smile. One smile and my heart stopped. One smile and everything changed. My life, my mind, my heart.

One glance, then another, and my heart missed a beat in each time.

And then with the time and absence it fade away. Almost as quick as it started it almost went away. The music washed it away.
Life went on and the flame faded, but it never turned off completely, so that, with one more glance from you green, green eyes, I fell into this again.
This time there was no smile, but words that remain unspoken. So the doubt prevails.
And while there's doubt, I have no doubt, 'cause it's still here and it won't go away.

You got to me in a way noone had. Around you I lose control and my body freezes and my blood boils. Words escape me, and breathing seems the hardest thing in the world.

And this, all this, the doubt and the passion, the overwhelming power you seem to have over me, consumes me from the inside. It makes my heart burn and it breaks my pride.

And I can't deal with this. I can't deal with anything right now. Because of you. Just because of you.

Some say it's obsession, some think it's just a crush, and yet other believe it's just a cry for attention. Few still believe it might actually be passion. But, whatever it is, it all revolves around one thing: the meaning of a smile.

Don't forget to read the small words

2007-04-22T17:34:00.000+01:00

So... I've been reading some stuff about GnR lately. So I finished reading the RS interview with Axl Rose (and got to the painful conclusion that if I have go on reading it I'd have finished it in two minutes the last time) and afterwards I read the Del James' tale "Without you", which inspired the amazing video of the Guns n' Roses' epic "November Rain". It's a very blunt and kind of heart breaking tale, I liked it, but it was very painful to read the part where he kills the guitars.

And there's something in the tale, that made me think. Right now, I'm not quite sure who I am. God... my dreams are like so close, closer than they had ever been and I just stand here. Like... I never fought because I was afraid of failing, because I always felt like it wasn't worth it. But now? It's right there to be taken, dammit! Right in front of my eyes, in plain reach and I know, I KNOW I can do it, if I want to! What the hell's happening to me? Is it too soon? Because I think it's too soon. Because I only feel like drawing and writing. Creating. And my studies...well...they're like not a priority right now, and I know they should be. Still I'm attending only the classes I really have to, I haven't been studying the theory like I promised myself I would, I don't even check the freakin' web page everyday like I said I would! And it takes what, two minuteS?! What's wrong with me??? Like... I wanted to be a biologist since I'm what 12, 13 years old? And now that I'm 18, and I am in college, in the college I chose, in the major I wanted, in the city I love. And I'm not doing anything for it.
I just want to draw and to write. I wish I could have taken this year to explore my creative side, to live a little outside school, to work, to become more responsible. And although I AM exploring my creative side and living more outside school than inside it, I feel more irresponsible than ever and I really wish my mom weren't spending all that money for me to attend the minimun classes, and do the minimum possible. I feel terrible, I feel guilty and I still don't move.
You know that current dream when you're fallin' and you wake up just before you hit the ground? Well, my dream is worst. Because when you're falling you're falling and there isn't really much you can do about it, but when you're standing in the middle of a fucking road, seeing as the damn truck/car/bus is heading you're way, YOU CAN MOVE! but in my dream I never move, I just stay there until I see the headlights a few steps from me and I wake up, with my heart racing.
So what do you take of that? I'm 18, for crying out loud. I'm not exactly a teenager anymore. So why don't I just grow up like everyone else? Damn... I was always so proud when everybody told me I was mature for my age, what about now? I'm just a freakin' 16-year-old girl in an 18-year-old body. Or not. I'm only 18 in the records, 'cause I don't feel like 18 at all.

see? that's why I don't post good news posts, because a few days later, I'm all screwed up again. Because life loves proving me wrong, so after I publish something, good or not so good, something happens and I turn. So no more happy posts here. You wanna have fun, go to my other blog and laugh at my randomness.

I'm feeling...

2007-04-18T22:16:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling good

Happy

Pretty

Sexy!!!

I'm living it up!

Enjoying life

Enjoying each moment, each day, each second

Woooo!

Just wanna scream

Just wanna sing

*LAlalalalalalalalaAALALalala*

good news for a change! =D

2007-04-11T12:04:00.000+01:00

I know it's going to be a bad day when I'm already dying for it to end, before it has even started. I know it's going to be one of those slow, painful days, when I'd give the sun and the moon if they just let me stay in bed all day. And they should, because I know that nothing good is going to happen and that I won't do any good out there.
And still... I get out of bed. Because I have too. And I step out in the cold and in the rain, or I step under the bright sun and the clear sky, knowing that's going to be the best part of my day. And for the most of the day I'm in the verge of tears, or I just feel like screaming only because I'm mad at myself and the world.

I'm tired. I want it to end. Not just this day, but this year. I'm tired of this feeling that I shouldn't be here. At least not now. I should feel like home in this place, I should have already find people that have something in common with me. But I'm still alone. And it's my own fault, I know it. There is only two months for this school year to end and I'm still locked inside of my shell, behind this walls I rose so I could protect myself, wishing that the time could just fly so that the summer came and with it the end of the nightmare.

And now I know I live too much in my dreams. They were supposed to keep me from drowing in the cold waters of reality, but it ended up raising me so high that I'm still in free falling and I don't know when I'm going to hit the bottom. I don't know what it was, but I feel like I lost whatever kept my feet on the ground and although, in my mind, I can see the line between what's real and what's not, it's like I no longer feel it in my heart. My dreams became too real and reality seems to fade into my dreams. I know what's real, I know what's not, but I can't feel the difference anymore.

It hurts and it burns as I feel something important fade away and I can't even tell you what, just that I'm empty without it. I let myself emerge in books and music and not even that can confort me now. The hole just gets bigger and deeper.

And then there are the tears that are no tears and the shivers that are no shivers. Tears just acumulate inside my heart bleeding into my soul, and somehow they won't come out. And the shivers just stop at the bottom of my neck, not running through the spine, just standing there like if waiting for the worst moment, like if waiting for the shiver to be so big and uncontrolable that it will tear my body apart.

I'm lost. And I'm tired. I'm tired of this shadow above my head, of these tears that won't come out, of this shiver that just refuses to be. And I want it to end. Whatever it is.

Mea Culpa

2007-03-21T17:30:00.000Z

Não, não estou bem. Não sei se vai ficar. Nem sei o que passa ou porque estou assim.
Tudo o que sei é que a culpa é minha.
A culpa é minha porque deixei que o passado me afectasse de tal forma que não consigo viver no presente.
Porque o orgulho que antes me mantinha a cabeça erguida, agora pesa-me nos ombros.
Porque o meus sonhos me escapam por entre os dedos e eu nada faço para os segurar.
Porque deixei que o medo de cair se tornasse mais forte que a vontade de voar.
Porque com a ânsia de não depender de alguém, me esqueci de como pedir ajuda ou de como reconhecer uma mão estendida.
Porque ergui barreiras para me defender que agora me isolam, e mesmo assim, ainda não as derrubei.
Porque com a vontade de ser livre, e o medo de ser magoada, não criei laços, nem reforcei os que levaram anos a formar.
Porque deixei que os meus amigos se afastassem, sem os deter, sem eles terem culpa. Porque não os deixo aproximar.
A culpa é minha, porque com o medo de ser vista, me tornei invisível; com o medo de gritar, perdi a voz; com medo de lutar, perdi a força; com o medo de quebrar, perdi demasiado.
Deixei que o mundo me tornasse naquilo que sou e agora detesto aquilo em que me tornei.
Com medo de ficar para trás, andei depressa de mais e perdi-me.
Perdi a força, a firmeza, a determinação.
Perdi a calma, a alegria, por vezes até a sensibilidade.
Perdi o encanto que tinha, perdi aquilo que me tornava eu.
Perdi-me a mim própria.
Permiti que a escuridão entrasse, que o silêncio se instalasse. Deixei-me andar à deriva no vazio, até que nada parecesse valer a pena.
Deixei que a música se tornasse o meu único refúgio, o meu único conforto.
Deixei que os meus desenhos se tornassem nas minhas palavras, escrevendo numa linguagem que mais ninguém entende.
Fui eu que deixei. Mais ninguém o podia ter impedido.
O mundo não tem culpa, eu é que me sinto a mais.
Os meus amigos, a minha família, não tem culpa, porque eu é que não deixei que se aproximassem, não deixei que me ajudassem.
A culpa é minha porque menti, dizendo que estava tudo bem.
Não, não está tudo bem. E eu não sei quando vai ficar. Só sei que a culpa é minha.
Só minha.

Será...?

2007-03-18T17:02:00.000Z

"Shed a tear, cause I'm missing you"

...culpa...perda...vazio...

Algo se passa, e eu sei o que é mas ainda não me apercebi. Como quando se sai de casa com aquela sensação de que nos esquecemos de algo, mas não nos conseguimos lembrar o quê.

Será porque não tenho feito nada de jeito nestes dias? Porque posso estar a deitar o meu futuro a perder e todos os meus sonhos de liberdade?
Será porque o voltei a ver e voltei a deixar-me cair nesta curta e intensa paixão? Ou será porque o meu próprio subconsciente me prega partidas, deixando entrever o seu rosto nos meus sonhos?
Será porque no fundo, no fundo, continuo à espera daquela pessoa que vai virar o meu mundo do avesso? Porque neste momento quero uma réplica de alguém que é único?
Ou será devido àquele eterno vazio na minha vida, àquela ausência sempre presente, que o dia de amanhã não me deixa esquecer?

Será? Será? Será que se esta noite me entregar ao choro silencioso da alma, será que me liberto deste vazio? Desta culpa? Deste sentimento de perda insuportável?

"Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye"

words in italic: lyrics by Guns n' Roses - Patience and Don't Cry

Just updating...

2007-03-15T12:21:00.000Z

So... I've got a new crush. This is really a crush,crush. A teenage like crush. I'm in love with a rockstar. *zomg* worse! I'm in love with how he used to be like 20 years ago. I'm talking about the no other, the one and only, the so sexy, hot, and HOT W. Axl Rose (when he was twenty something years old, he's 45 now... *-*) For those of you (whom I pitty) that have no idea who I'm talking about, it's the infamous and glamorous vocalist and pianist of the oh so great hardrock/metal/does it really matter? band Guns 'n' Roses. Not only has he one of the most awesome voices I ever heard (and loved!), like he is so incredibily cute and hot that it should be a crime (or at least a sin).
But... that's not really what I want to talk about, 'cause (I won't lie) in spite of spending a lot of time researching about him, I have other things to think about.
So I was reading an interview he gave to RS(Rolling Stone) back in the late 80s, early 90s I don't know, he was talking about his childhood and how he blocked all the bad, bad things that had happenned to him back him, and how he found about them through therapy and how it help him deal with his anger and stuff.
I'm not saying I'm a angry person (as he is/were said to be) , but I have some issues I have a hard time explaining. First of all I'm too agressive for someone who's never been attacked and I have a serious issue with human contact. Come on, it's not normal to almost panic at the idea of human contact w/ someone who's not my closest family/friends. I'm not talking about total strangers! I'm talking about your school collegues f.e. that you know and trust, at least a little. Or even a family friend or a more distant relative. I don't know maybe it's normal and I'm making a fuss about nothing; or maybe is something, I really don't know.
Another creepy thing is that when I was about 10-12 years all I witnessed a fire. a big one. And I blocked it! I can't recall it at all. I know the brain does that kind of things, but it left me thinking about what I may have witnessed that I supressed and has an impact in my life now.
So I considered doing that kind of therapy where you go back and recall things that are burried in your subconscious, but I'm a little afraid. 'Cause, probably there's nothing, but what if there is? Am I strong enough to deal with that?
And know I'm thinking: What if I'm living a lie? I know that's too drastic, but I am a little paranoid after all. Am I all "messed" up by nature, or is there something bad I blocked and now it's interfering with my life? And should I try to find out or just go on living, not knowing?

1 Ano, 52 Posts...

2007-03-04T00:31:00.000Z

OMG! Esqueci-me completamente, ontem este blog fez um ano!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Já estou no blogger há mais de um ano, mas decidi só contar este blog...
1 Ano e 52 post publicados ( média de 1 post por semana) depois,
e o que é que aconteceu?
bem...
um ano bem passado, na companhia de gente especial =);
o criar de novas amizades e o renovar de outras nao tao novas;
umas férias em grande;
o desenvolver da minha arte;
um grande passo: o final do secundário;
o realizar de um sonho: entrei no curso que queria, na faculdade que queria;
uma data importante: completei 18 primaveras;
defini objectivos;
passei nos exames XD;
um novo visual (tb é importante): um penteado novo e uma camisa cor-de-rosa!

E agr, o que se segue?
terminar o 1º ano;
cumprir os objectivos;
a carta;
um "emprego" de verão de sonho (sim, sim, ja tenho planos);
o que a vida tiver para me oferecer.

*****e aki esta... o meu post de aniversario, atrasado, mas + vale tarde do k nunca*****

2007-02-22T10:57:00.000Z

E agora o que fazer?
Talvez deitar-me de costas na cama, olhando através do vazio do meu quarto, para a imensidão do céu acima.
Talvez ficar a olhar pela janela, para as luzes e estrelas lá fora.
Talvez ficar a escutar a chuva lá fora, ou o silêncio cá dentro.
Talvez ficar a ouvir a música, sentir as notas e as palavras a vibrar e atravessar a alma.
Talvez traçar linhas aleatórias numa folha de papel até que algo surja como que por magia.
Talvez cantar as emoções até que os vidros se partam e garganta doa.
Talvez escrever conjuntos de letras e de palavras num ecrã, esperando que alguém, algures, leia.
Talvez fixar numa imagem pequenos momentos únicos e irrepetíveis, perpétuos e efémeros.
Talvez passear por ruas estreitas e sombrias, até chegar a um lugar qualquer.
Talvez vaguear, sentindo simplesmente o vento frio na cara quente, a chuva a cair, ou o sol a queimar.
Talvez simplesmente admirar o que nos rodeia, encontrar a beleza de todas as pequenas coisas.
Talvez imaginar o que esconde cada casa, cada porta, cada janela.
Talvez...nada. Simplesmente esperar que algo aconteça, gozando breves momentos de paz.

Fate vs Coincidence

2007-02-15T22:10:00.000Z

So...two days ago it was St Valentine's day and it is, in my point of view, the most depressing day of the year... of course that may be because of the single fact that I'm single, but despite that, everyone knows it's just commercial bs cause I honestly doubt there is a saint named Valentine, but whatever. If I ever get a boyfriend, this day we'll be just another good excuse to offer presents.
But this is not what I'm here to talk about... if you have time, please sit down, make sure you have a drink near by, because I'm sensing a long text today.
So the subject is Fate, in which I don't believe, once for me it's just an excuse for human actions. "Hey don't blame me! It must be fate!" for me, that's bs. The fact is, the world is full of silly,stupid, scary and freaky coincidences and I hate them. I hate coincidences. Let's considered the following hypothetical situation: there's this guy in my class that catches my eye and I can't stop thinking about it. now let's imagine that it've been a long time since I saw him last, once there we were on holidays and then is the exam season, and I only get to see him is on the day of the exam. Now in that precise and exact day, the day of the first exam, he happens to be wearing a sweatshirt with the exact same colours as mine. What you'd call that? I'd call a stupid, fucking, annoying coincidence! Because though I don't believe in fate, I have a very,very fertile and imaginative mind that goes on and on and picks everything as a possibility of some sort of "sign" and starts making all this scenes in my mind. So I hate coincidences. I really do. But I have to believe in them because if I don't believe in coincidences, I have to believe it was fate. And if it was fate, then I've probably missed all the signs. But... as I said before, in spite of hating coincidences, I do believe in them. I have to. Otherwise it would drive me crazy.

Hey! it wasn't that big, was it?

PS: hey! it's my 50th post! =) *yay* for me!!

Valentine

2007-02-11T23:34:00.000Z

Put your heart in a box, keep it, save it, but don't forget to open it or it will just fade away...

Enjoy your Valentine!

*god... I hate this day....*

picture taken by me, altered in photoshop

lalala lalala lalaralalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaa crash - broken glass

2007-02-10T23:02:00.000Z

Porque sonhar é bom e faz bem à saúde

E porque nada que valha a pena é fácil

The sky is the limit
*w00t*

Obsession

2007-02-05T01:09:00.000Z

I wonder if it's all this is

picture: an old sketch of mine with a skectchy CG to go with.... (c) to me

Todas aquelas coisas...

2007-01-14T00:42:00.000Z

São os túneis de nevoeiro sobre o rio Douro
São os subtis tons do azul do céu
São as solitárias, mas brilhantes estrelas na noite da cidade
É o voo de uma borboleta
O canto de um pássaro
O cheiro de uma flor
O sabor do chocolate
É o cair de uma folha
O sussurro do vento
Uma gota de chuva
Um raio de sol
É um final de dia em pleno
O por do sol sobre as ondas do mar
E o nascer do dia no Gerês =)
São os pequenos gestos, os pequenos sorrisos
As simples palavras, os mudos olhares
O silêncio de um dia de Agosto
Um céu sem nuvens
A tempestade lá fora
E o calor cá dentro
É a boa acção do dia
E o sabor de um pecado inocente
É voltar à infância
É o traço perfeito
A nota que faz o meu mundo vibrar
É escrever textos como este
É tudo o que é perfeitamente imperfeito

São todas aquelas coisas, que fazem com que valha a pena
Sonhar, sorrir, amar, sentir, VIVER.

2006-12-18T00:39:00.000Z

Be careful with what you wish for
It may just blow in your face

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's meeting the man of my dreams

And then meeting his beautiful wife

text in italic: from the song Ironic by Alanis Morissette
Picture by Ladyxinha (OMFG! is that a drawing from me??! YES! finally..... ;) )

Look at me

2006-12-15T16:25:00.000Z

Look at meLook in my plain brown

eyes
and tell me:
Can you see my unique soul?
Can you see my feline nature?
Can you see my objective mind?
Can you see my unsuspected inner strenght?
Can you see my soft tender heart?
Can you see my hidden courage?
Can you see my unbreakable hope?
Can you see my sharp sense of justice?
Can you find my long lost innocence?
My overwhelming self-conscience?

Can you see all that through these plain brown eyes?

'Cause I can,
Now

Play me a song

2006-12-15T16:07:00.000Z

O que são palavras? Aglomerados de letras, com um sentido pré-definido por dicionários e afins.
O que são imagens? Pixeis num ecrã, tintas, traços, cores numa tela,num papel, o que seja. Feitas com determinado significado e entendidas com outro.
O que são actos, acções, gestos? São movimentos, com um propósito definido, determinado, ainda que nos possam trair, a nós e aos outros.
E que significa tudo isto? Num mundo subjectivo, em que tudo é, de facto, relativo. Que significa?
Talvez tudo, num mundo feito de frios factos, de verdades nuas e cruas, sem possibilade de objecção.
E nada, quando num segundo, o mundo gela, o frio entra e congela, pouco a pouco, veias e artérias, até que atinge o coração e este se estilhaça, sob pressão. Aí, só a música interessa.
Só a música me toca, me atinge, me arrepia. Porque a música sente-se. E cada pessoa sente de maneira diferente.
Não importa que estilo de música nos agrada mais. Não importa se ouves o piano de fundo ou a voz, se sentes o ritmo da bateria fluir pelo corpo, se sentes os acordes de guitarra invadir a tua mente, ou se sentes o som do baixo no estômago, na garganta, fazendo fluir o sangue. Ou se ouves tudo, e não ouves nada. Se é tudo um conjunto de sons, que te arrepia, te atinge, te toca.
A música exprime sempre o que penso, o que sinto, o que nunca confesso. Acalma a dor e acalma raiva, conforta o coração dorido, ajuda a curar as feridas abertas na alma. Anima, recorda, faz sorrir. Faz parte das memórias passadas, dos momentos presentes, dos sonhos futuros. Está em tudo o que faço, em tudo o que penso e sonho e imagino.
Tudo o resto desaparece, ou se transforma, ou deixa simplesmente de ter importância, quando ponho os auscultadores, ou pressiono o play, ou ligo o amplificador. Tudo o resto é supérfluo, insignificante. Só a música importa. Só a música consola e liberta. Só a música.

2006-12-10T21:59:00.000Z

You know...although my family would kindly disagree, I'm not much of a talker. Yes, I talk a lot about stuff. Most times, that just to relief the pressure inside. Because I don't really talk much about what is inside, how I'm feeling, what's really happening. The fact is it's getting worse. It's hard to me to talk to my friends. To my best friends. Ok, so I'm not confortable talking about boys with my mom, that's pretty normal (for a change) I'm a teenager! ok not quite, I'm already 18, but you know what I mean... It's still...strange. But my friends? Jeez... Sometimes I think they won't understand, sometimes it looks like they consider me so shallow, just because I always go a little for what's in the outside. Is not that it is about the looks, it isn't. It's about a smile, the eyes, the hands. If you consider this, they are features that can reveal a little something about the person in question. And I think sometimes I can see a little deeper than what meets the eye. Sometimes even the state of mind.
The worst part in when I fail at recognising those stuff on my friends. That's serious, and it leaves me mad. Well... I'm working on that.
Well I wandered off... I guess I'll go on where I stopped. I don't know why I can't talk to my friends. Maybe I'm afraid to upset them. Maybe they're not in the mood to listen, more in the mood to talk. So I let them talk, they need that. And they're my friends, they're problems are bigger than mine, aren't they? Anyways, who am I to say otherwise?
And it's not that they won't ask.They do. And I always answer the same: I'm fine, what about you?
So, for a change, it's my fault not their...But I really don't know how to fix that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. They're my friends! Honestly, do you think I need a psycologist? 'Cause I do.

Issues...

2006-11-19T21:38:00.000Z

Well now, that's a good title. Why? Well I guess only now I realise how many f***ing issues I have. Oh! here is one, if I were talking to you, talking not writing, I would really say fucking issues, but when I'm writing I just can't say it. Oh well.... I guess I just did.
But that's insignificant. One of my bigger issues is I can't really talk about my issues. I always end up talking about shit that isn't really that big, but I never mention the real ones. Why? Beats me, I have no clue. Is an issue I should work on, right?
Well, since I'm always trying to improve myself, let's give it a try. Well.... right now I feel lonely. And no, it isn't related to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, is about the fact that I feel lonely. I feel the distances between me and my friends for life grow larger and larger, and there's nothing I can do because it isn't something you can really fight is it? What am I supposed to do? Pretend I like the same things, that I agree about everything? when the fact is that I don't? Now that I'm in college, I was supposed to find someone like me, with whom I could relate. And I can't.
It's all my fault, I know. I'm not quite what you would call a people person. I have issues just talking and relating and keeping it simple. I have a huge tendence to complicate everything.
Another issue. Ok not quite issue, I'm just lazy and I hate that. Since a long time I go, I know that Biology is my calling. Is what I'm supposed to do. I wouldn't feel realised doing anything else. Ok, drawing and writing also makes me feel realised, but I really don't need college for that. So, if Biology is my calling, why can't I fight for it? I know being good isn't enough. I have to be extraordinary if I wanna be sucessful. And right now, I'm not exactly the best in my class. Not even close! For crying out loud, I was never so scared of failing math like I am now. Math was never a problem for me and now, guess what, it is! I feel, before I try, that it's useless. I'll never get it. And Chemistry? Wow, now that one was born to ruin my life! Last friday, I delievered my very first blank test. Ok, not blank blank, I wrote my name and all, and I even answered a question, that I'll probably get wrong. And do you know why I knew nothing for that test? because I've been skiping most of the chemistry classes. I probably shouldn't be saying this here, but whatever, i don't care. I promised I'll attend them now, but believe me... it's hard....and the math classes? the teory... uff! last wednesday was the first time I didn't feel like sleeping after half an hour. A true miracle, ha? Well maybe if you believe in them, cause I don't. Now that's an issue to be solved, if possible. I used to be a believer, a dreamer. Now I'm not so sure of that. Because I don't believe in anything. I don't believe there is such thing as the "one", I don't believe someone can fall in love at first sight, not for me at least, and I don't believe that all my fantasies and dreams, that fill my head at night, will ever come true. How fucking sad is that?
How fucking sad is that I need a book, an anime series to make me dream and feel good again? How da hell did I end up laughing when I realise that my friend's boyfriend is a potencial psycopath? how? How did I end up this bitter, and sad, and miserable? How? What happen to my dreams? To my hopes? To all of that? When did I become such a bitch? Now I realise what happened in the my last week with 17. I wasn't laughing through those bad, bad, lousy days. I was laughing at the irony of everything being so wrong.
Sarcasm. When did I become an expert in that? What happened to me? When did I became so agressive, always hiding behing this wall I rose. And why did I rise it?
Why do I suddenly have all this creepy ideas for horror stories, based on deceving, teasing others, lure them to my character trap? It can't be all influence from Poe's stories. It can't.
Why do I suddenly feel so attracted to the darkest side of the human being?
Deep, deep, what happened to my innocence?

2006-11-14T11:52:00.000Z

I can deal with anything but emptyness.

stuff...

2006-11-13T15:57:00.000Z

well... i really have a lot to say and I don't exactly know where to start....
I feel empty. there, I said it. I need a guy. And I don't care if it's not my time yet, blah blah blah, that when the time comes I'll find it, blah blah blah, that's crap. I'm tired of waiting, I need someone, and not wanting to look like a spoiled brat, I need it now. I know, I know, it doesn't work that way. We don't choose who we fall in love with or when we fall in love, but come ooon... I don't like noone seriously like ages ago. (since I don't know, june?!) and it's odd, ya know? I've got a looot of cute guys in my class (well duh, it's huge, it had to have something, right?) but there's not one that really catch my attention. It's not really about the looks you know? It's a smile, a glance, something like that... that make me think "wow he must be really something", that happened to me last time... I guess, most of all, that's what I miss. Liking someone, being in love. Maybe that's why I feel empty... And I'm afraid, you know, I'm afraid that I'm starting to feel so disappointed with men (or in this case, boys) that I don't believe in love at first sight or anything else like that anymore. I know I'm not a girly girl anymore, and that there are no such things as Prince Charming or Knights in shiny armor, but it's good to believe in that. And though I still do, and fantasise and all that kind of thing, that goes along with my dreamer persona, deep down I know that there's no truth in that. and maybe this is what I need to, maybe I need to completly give up on love, so that it can blow up in my face, like this kind of thing always happen. but.... (jeez I guess I'm being a little contraditory here, but whatever) I guess deep, deep, even deeper than before, down I'll always hope that the ideal guy for me will come along. I know I will never give up on that. Even if I die alone, I'll wait for it 'till the day I die.
On this subject, I guess I can tell you something that happen a few weeks ago(it seems like a looot of time) It started in the same week college started. I was on the bus and this really, really cute guy was sitting right in front of me. Maybe he wasn't that cute, but he had something, that caught my eye. I'll tell you, I got a sore neck for looking through the window most of the time, but I simply was to shy to look in front, thinking that he might think I was staring at him, 'cause I'd probably would. I even remember something really funny that happened in the other side of the bus, with two old ladys. Well, nothing strange here, right? I remember he had a folder just like mine, offered by UP(Universidade do Porto -> Oporto University, lol) so I wondered if he attended the same one as me (Science) but it wasn't mandatory, there are more around the area. And even if he did, what were the odds for me to see him again? Well, apparently more than what I expected. The next week, as I entered the Math department, I got a very pleasant surprise. There he was. In the hall.I was like: "wow! oh my god!" so I looked at him (and I don't remember, but I guess that time he didn't look at me, or did he? ) well anyway... the next week, I guess it was also wednesday, I was walking to the other department and passed right in front of him. And this time, I'm sure, I'm positive he looked at me and smiled. I didn't imagine. I remember it perfectly.He was wearing a red and blue jacket and he was with two other girls. In spite of that, I know he smiled at me, not to any of them.I know it. And what great smile he had. As I was waiting (it was my half hour break) he looked at me again, at least once. I guess he wanted to come closer, but the girls he was with, for some reason, didn't. And... that was the last I saw of him. Funny, isn't it? He was probably the last guy that got my attention like that, and I'll probably never see him again. Oh and there's a very simple reason why I won't be seeing him again, at least not there. The time he disappeared was coincident with the 2nd round, and he probably went to the college he inttended at first.
So, do you need any better proof than that? I mean, that I'll most probably end up alone? I guess it had to show up, just like that, not the perfect guy, but something close enough to every thing I always dreamed about. It has to awe me, to leave completly *wow* *dreamy eyes* or else, it won't be good enough. I know it's bad, very bad for me, but I just seem not to fall in love that easily anymore... so... like there isn't no guy good enough for my twisted mind, i'll guess I'll just go on living, considering what names shall I call my cats-to-be.

Bah!

2006-11-03T18:54:00.000Z

Ok... not a good way to start, huh? well I had a lousy week. Though, I kept happy and optimistic, always thinking that things can always get better. In fact, on my way home, after having breakfast with a friend of mine, I was thinking how I would post something today about my belief in human faith. well, obviously I think the same, but I just don't feel in the mood of discussing that right now, because all this f***ing week I kept thinking that "hey!next saturday I turn 18! I've got to enjoy my last few days being an irresponsible and underage. (ok this is not completly true, i'm not that irresponsible, but you know what I mean) " really... this was in my mind,all day. Even when I went to the coffeshop and noone was there, but I just snapped when I realised I had lost my wallet(I don't know if it's the right term, but nevermind that ok) only when I had to pay my afternoon snack (how da hell do you say lanche in english?). Hurray for me! *ironic face*
and now I just realised that maybe my way of thinking is actually not that good, because maybe if I were more conscious that this week would probably be terrible from monday to friday(I'm really hoping that at least tomorrow everything will be great, I turn 18 tomorrow for crying out loud!) this wouldn't be such a chock! but noooooo.... I had to keep hoping that the next day would be better. and so BAAAM! it blows in my face. Perfect, absolutly perfect.
I did thought today, that I liked being like this, always hoping that things would get better, at least I wouldn't turn into some cold,bitter,hopeless bitch. but guess I feel right now.... YES! you're right! cold ,bitter and hopeless (I'm not being a bitch, am I? cause I think that was too much anyway) But, in fact, I will always hope that the next day will be better, even if everything points not to be. So, if I ever got hit by a car/bus/truck/whatever is because I was fool enough to believe that I could reach the otherside. *YAAY*

Music Box

2006-10-22T19:01:00.000+01:00

Caixa de música
.................fantasia
..................de sonhos
....................ilusões
.....................de contos de fadas
...........................................princesas ...........................................ninfas ...........................................elfos ..........................................bruxas
...........................................castelos assombrados
.............................e dragões
Caixa de entrada
...........para lugares fantásticos
..............países longínquos
.................reinos distantes
....................e mundos perdidos

Caixa de música
........................de embalar e de encantar
...........................para adormecer e sonhar
.............................para voar
..............................................para além das nuvens e das estrelas
...............................................para lá do espaço e do tempo.

******************Caixa de música**********************

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2006-10-13T10:56:00.001+01:00

Life is beautiful.... oh... yeah! =D

Dream

2006-10-10T23:16:00.000+01:00

Quanto mais tempo passo acordada,
menos me apetece acordar
nao pq o sono pese
mas porque de outra forma
ja nao sei sonhar
Sinto-me só
mesmo na multidão
sempre perdida
no silêncio e na escuridão
Já não sei o que procuro
Nem se quero encontrar
parece que perdi as forças
que me faziam voar
Já não sei seguir em frente
já so sei olhar para trás
não vejo o meu futuro
só o que a memória traz
Continuo perdida
fujo da realidade
antes tudo era mais facil
ou não seria verdade?
não tenho tempo para mim
para me reencontrar
não encontro o meu abrigo
não sei onde é o meu lugar
Eu Quero Viver a Vida. Eu Quero Aproveitar. Mas Será Isso Possível? Quando Só Estou bem a Sonhar?

Shell

2006-10-04T22:53:00.000+01:00

Trying to break through, to break out, to set free, to let go.... but I can't. It's part of my nature to hide in my world, in my mind, in my shell.

From the Shadows..........you came back

2006-09-22T02:53:00.000+01:00

And Friendship shall prevail... above all things.

2006-09-09T20:03:00.000+01:00

As lágrimas inundam-me os olhos e alma
Mas recusam-se a escorrer
Gritos mudos de raiva e desespero
Morrem-me na garganta sem que os liberte
Dor silenciada por lábios cerrados
O choro abafado pela escuridão
O refúgio: a solidão.
No escuro e no silêncio,
Procuro-me e não me encontro
Em busca de resposta
Deparo-me com mais perguntas
Desespero
Raiva
Dor
Raiva e
Desespero, outra vez
Ciclo vicioso que me atormenta
Que me persegue
Tudo resguardado por um sorriso
Que sem ser falso, também não é verdadeiro
Eu não quero sorrir, mas não o consigo evitar
Eu quero gritar, mas perdi a voz
Eu quero chorar, mas esqueci-me como
E então continuo
Porque se a vida não pára

Eu também não.

Still can't believe you're back.... Arcangel

2006-09-07T23:22:00.000+01:00

this time I won't let you go....

=) AVISO: segue-se um texto pleno de coisas tristes.Impróprio para pessoas que tenham aversão ou qualquer objeção à sempre presente tristeza humana(=

2006-09-03T21:20:00.000+01:00

Hoje ao jantar a conversa passou dos versos quase surrealistas das letras dos Red Hot Chili Peppers para matrecos. Não posso deixar de relevar que quem orientou a maioria da conversa foi aqui a vossa amiga. =D é que não posso evitar, sempre que vejo matrecos, de emitir uma exclamação do género: WEEEE!Matrecos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mesmo que a consiga reprimir, a minha mente entra em extase nem que seja só pelas boas recordaçoes que tenho associadas a uma mesa de matrecos. =D
Bem, continuando, eu hoje tou num estado de espírito muito... como dizer... WEEEEEEEEEEEE! e nem sei bem porquê. Por vezes questiono-me senao terei qualquer tipo de patologia psicológica ou se será só da adolescência. É que ainda há uns dias atrás eu estava de rastos e a escrever textos sobre rasgões( sim no meu último post, "tear" significa rasgão e não lágrima, caso não tenham percebido) e agora tou no meu (muito típico) estado de espírito WEEEEEEEEEEE! Talvez seja por ser fim do mês (?). Ou então seja porque eu funciono assim, nos dias antes da minha depressão temporária, passei uns dias fantásticos em barcelona, dps xeguei e bati no fundo. Ou quase. Depois no dia 1 de Setembro, como se isso tivesse alguma coisa a ver, comecei a entrar no estado WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! lol... comecei por fazer algo nada tipico para mim (o que é estranho porque estando no meu estado tipico, deveria fazer coisas tipicas (?)): arrumei a minha secretária! (o que o estado WEEEEEEEEEEEE me faz)
a tarde de ontem também contribuiu imenso para a entrada no estado WEEEEEEEEEEE porque passei a tarde a fazer coisas de que gosto muito,muito,muito e a que talvez já não me dedicasse há muito. Passei pelo menos uma hora na fnac, passeando por entre livros e cds e dvds, dedicando depois mais um pouco de tempo na bertrand onde encontrei algo que ha muito procurava : uma graphic novel que me cativasse! na verdade encontrei várias, mas devido ao preço dos items em questão e ao dinheiro que tinha comigo na altura so pude trazer uma. Mas,para mim uma tarde a fazer algo que gosto, normalmente tem de ser acompanhada por um snackezinho qualquer que eu aprecie. Então (oh joy!!!) o pouco dinheiro que me restou, deu-me para uma embalagem das minhas bolachas preferidas (WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!) entao, sendo ainda relativamente cedo quando cheguei a casa, passei um bom bocado a ler bd e a comer bolachas (mais uma vez, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE).
O resto do meu tempo livre dediquei-o ao meu passatempo preferido, acima de qualquer coisa: desenhar. E depois o meu desenho acabou por resultar nalgo que, apesar de ja ter tentado, nunca ter conseguido: fanart! (LOL) pois, o desenho acabou por parecer-se muito vagamente com uma das minha personagens preferidas de uma serie anime em que ando viciada =D.
esta tarde, foi talvez para alguns, uma tarde desperdiçada, uma vez que a passei quase toda em frente a um ecra... ou melhor a dois diferentes! o fim de manha e ate as 15h passei-o em frente ao computador, tentando trazer ao de cima o meu talento para a digital art, o que nao aconteceu (eu nasci para o lapis e nada mais! digital painting my ass.... :S) dps fiz uma pausa (ja me doía o pescoço) e sentei-me em frente à tv. Tava a fazer um zapping.... até que parei num filme, que adoro e que já não via há muuuuuuuito tempo =)=)=) adorei. o filme (esse nao m importo de fazer publicidade): "Stand by me" ("Conta comigo" título português) é de 1986(mais velho do que eu!) passa-se na América em 1959 e conta com 2 dos meus actores preferidos(ainda mto jovens!!!!): Kiefer Sutherland e Jerry O'Connel (impressionante como na altura já eram tão característicos... Sutherland já no papel de mau da fita e rufia (eu vejo-o sempre assim) e O'Connel eternamente gozado por todos (tadinho... mas também tem os lapsos de génio). Enfim o filme é simplesmente fantástico, pelo menos é a minha opinião.
Depois e o que provavelmente foi o cúmulo do meu estado WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (embora eu ainda nao consiga perceber porque tem esse efeito em mim) foi o 2º filme que eu vi,cerca de uma hora depos do primeiro, foi uma muito típica comédia romântica à moda dos EUA(ainda que para mim, comédias românticas verdadeiramente geniais são as britânicas.....). O filme nao sendo propriamente previsivel a primeira, acaba por sê-lo cena a cena.... mas enfim, deu para animar um pouco a tarde =D e foi assim que cheguei ao meu estado WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Provavelmente o facto de ter conseguido (finalmente!) um desenho que se assemelhasse o suficiente à minha personagem preferida do tal anime (WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!) para ser reconhecido como tal! =D=D=D
E agora aqui estou a escrever aquele que provavelmente é o maior post e também o mais triste que já escrevi e publiquei.
Enfim.....
Se ficaram chocados com quão triste eu posso ser, nao digam que nao vos avisei....

PS:Agora uma nota à parte. Aqueles que me conhecem não ficarão de certo chocados, pois sabem que eu sou mesmo assim. Ao final de tantos posts que expressam claramente aquilo que penso e sinto, este é, sem sombra de dúvida a minha cara chapada. Espero que quem me conhece bem, pense (como eu tantas vezes penso) "consigo mesmo imaginá-la a falar assim". Porque é verdade, eu sou mesmo assim. Triste, talvez, mas deixem ser, porque se me sentir bem comigo, com o mundo e com a vida em geral é ser triste, então que se lixe. Prefiro ser triste sempre. Para quem me conhecer, ou para quem for craque a ler nas entrelinhas, este texto reflecte quem eu sou e como eu sou, se calhar melhor que qualquer outro. Porque eu sou mesmo assim. Tão depressa estou deprimida, como estou no meu estado WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
por fim, com uma só palavra: Enjoy!

Tear

2006-08-30T18:47:00.000+01:00

As I enter this new step, I realize that some things will be left behind...
I can't help it, honestly it's beyond me....I should have been prepared.... But I guess, deep inside, I still had hope that they could join me. And even if they couldn't, that at least, they would still be there.
Now I know. It doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I wish.
And as our paths diverge, the bonds that tied us together are torn apart.
*Tear*
Even so, it hurts. My heart cries, my soul bleeds, it hurts. It hurts as my illusions melt in to a puddle of frozen water, as my heart freezes with memories in it, spiking like thorns, remembering me of how I'd like it to continue.
*Tear*
I shall not forget, but I won't look back now. Maybe I'm proud. Maybe I'm arrogant. But this is me and I have to move forward. Either you accept me like this, or you don't accept me at all.
*Tear*
It's over now... Soon, I shall begin a new path, a new stage in my life. I won't do it alone, I know, but it won't be the same who come along. Maybe this is it, this is then. When my life truly begins.
*Tear*

Friendship lasts forever

2006-08-23T15:58:00.000+01:00

Por vezes penso em amigos perdidos. Sinto-os como espinhos que se me atravessam na garganta, como lágrimas que gelaram antes de escorrer.
E então lembro-me do que um amigo é e do que não é um amigo. Um amigo é amigo sempre, não é só quando precisa de nós ou quando nós precisamos dele. É aquela pessoa a quem se liga só para dizer olá, só para lhe ouvir a voz; com quem se vai almoçar para por a conversa em dia, para aproveitar a companhia; é aquele que te compreende com um só olhar, que lê nas entrelinhas de um sorriso triste, que ouve entre os soluços o silêncio que nos vai na alma.
E aí relembro que não vale a pena sofrer, porque não existe tal coisa como amigos perdidos. Amigo que é amigo não se perde, nunca, nem se esquece.
Então, os espinhos como que desaparecem, sem deixar rasto, e o gelo estilhaça sem deixar qualquer marca.

Para mim, um amigo é aquele que te compreende com um olhar, que te anima sem palavras e que, com um simples gesto, faz tudo valer a pena.

Lost touch

2006-08-03T22:16:00.000+01:00

Since a while ago that I can't draw as I used to....
I'm so afraid I might have lost it.... My touch...My gift...

I always considered myself blessed for having discovered such a gift. Such a wonderful way to express myself. I always felt so proud of the dreams and stories which were born from this hands.... And now...I can't do it. Drawings won't come out as naturally as they did.... I don't know if I'm just uninspired or if it all ends like this...
Maybe I'm simply not that good...Maybe this is as far as I can go as an artist, I don't know. I don't want that! It can't be.... It's the only thing I can do right, and not even that comes out the way I want it to...
I can't take it.... I want to draw...It is already a part of me. But I can't.... It won't come out, no matter how much I try, it won't come out....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGHHH!!!!DON'T!NOT That......take everything but my gift....anything but that........

Blossom

2006-08-01T00:22:00.000+01:00

What is it for a rose to be beautiful,
if it lacks its true essence, its sweet scent?

Hold me

2006-07-19T00:06:00.000+01:00

Hold me in your arms
Take me away from here
Keep me safe from harm

Hold me tight
Never let me go
I need you so

Hold me safe, in my dreams
Protect my sleep, sweet prince
All day and all night

But, I still need to know, where the hell are you?

Complete

2006-07-10T00:53:00.000+01:00

Still searching for my exact opposite and my perfect twin...
Someone who completes me
Someone who can keep feeding the flame
Never let it fade
Can I find someone like that?
I'm so tired of feeling empty....feeling there's something
missing
I need this..someone who completes me... I need it so badly....

So tired of hearing that there is someone for everyone...
So where is it?

Break the ice

2006-07-05T00:17:00.000+01:00

Break the ice and set free
Forget anything you heard about everything
Break the ice of society
There are no standards
No bounds

Free your spirit your mind and your heart
Cry with no shame, love with no limits, laugh with no worries
Live to amaze, to love, to share, to care, to sing, to dance
You only got one chance
To break the ice
And set free

Strength

2006-07-02T13:29:00.000+01:00

Eu não acredito que alguém nasça naturalmente forte.

A força interior é algo que se adquire com o passar do tempo, e depende daquilo por que se vai passando, daquilo que se vai presenciando, dos erros que se vão cometendo.

Por isso, a fraqueza não tem de ser um defeito… o problema está em ser-se fraco, e consciente disso, e não o admitir, pior ainda é quando se admite e não se tenta mudar.

A força não se tem, conquista-se. De nada serve desejar ser-se forte se nada se fizer para o ser.

Freedom

2006-06-14T00:43:00.000+01:00

Fly with wind
Whisper to the trees
Taste the sky
Touch the clouds
Sing your soul out
See through your heart
Listen with your mind
See deeper than what's on the surface
Respect, yourself and everyone else
Believe
Be yourself
Love yourself
Love anyone/anything you love

That's freedom....

Em relaçao às imagens, não liguem, ando com "fome" de comics..... *sniff sniff*

Arcanjo

2006-06-10T22:34:00.000+01:00

Arcanjo… Para muitos apenas uma personagens de mitos, ou mesmo uma personagem de banda desenhada. Para mim, muito mais do que isso. Paz, tranquilidade, equilíbrio, segurança, protecção. Um guia, um escudo.

A palavra Arcanjo na minha vida começou por um simples código para esconder a identidade de um sentimento, passando para a tentativa falhada de definir o indefinível, e finalmente alcançando o espaço do inalcançável. Agora na parede do meu quarto, encerrada num coração que tem tanto de demónio como de anjo, representa a natureza humana, nunca completamente boa, nunca completamente má. E representa-me a mim… com os meus mistérios e os meus segredos, aquela parte de mim que na verdade nunca ninguém conhecerá.

Arcanjo… para mim, muito mais do que uma palavra.

Missing...

2006-05-19T00:16:00.000+01:00

O escuro é a ausência de luz
O frio é a ausência de calor
O silêncio é a ausência de som
A seca é a ausência de água
E a falta de amor é o quê?

Kiss me...

2006-05-07T22:00:00.000+01:00

C'mon let me hold you
Touch you
Feel you
Always

Kiss you
Taste you
All night
Always

Neste momento sinto-me perdida e sem saber o que fazer. Não sei se hei-de recuar, se hei-de seguir em frente. Nem sei bem o que sinto... só sei o que quero... e o que não posso ter. Ainda assim sorrio, pq sei que o futuro me sorri também. =)

Life as I know it

2006-05-01T01:07:00.000+01:00

A vida é como uma partida de bilhar, tem de se dar a tacada já a pensar na seguinte...
É como jogar ao "quarto escuro" não se pode ter medo de caminhar no desconhecido....
É como um salto na piscina, para voltar à superfície tem-se de bater no fundo...
É como um mergulho no mar, tens de te deixar levar, mas saber por os pés no chão quando a corrente é forte...

A vida não é um só um jogo, é muito mais do que isso... Não há espaço para medos e inseguranças, muitas vezes hesitar pode ser o fim da picada. Mas também não é um mergulho de cabeça...É preciso reflectir antes de agir,nem que seja por um segundo... É preciso é pensar rápido... Por vezes é preciso ferir para não se ser ferido, e sejamos sinceros, no mundo real é cada um por si.

Não são passos fáceis, não são coisas simples... Não sei se conseguirei sempre agir de forma tão brutal e tão fria, e saber reconhecer quando posso realmente baixar as defesas.... Não é fácil e nem sequer devia ser necessário, mas é um facto, vivemos num mundo cruel e, apesar de ainda não o ter conhecido, espero estar pronta quando chegar o momento. Porque eu sei que lá fora, não são notas de testes que contam, que determinam o nosso valor. São as nossas acções e a capacidade de agir.

2006-04-22T21:15:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine...And I realized maybe I was too shallow... I thought about it, all week, and today, during a walk I kept that in mind.
I didn't need to justify myself to him,but I really needed to justify that to me...Something wasn't right, that kind of thought was against all my principles. And, with My December sounding on my hears, I finally understood.
It's not about being shallow...I reconsidered a lot of thing I said and I thought and they're really not true. It's not about the physique, it's not really about liking or not music, it's about they're not him. Then I started thinking that, even when I feel some kind of attraction, I wouldn't do anything, cause I know I wouldn't be loyal to what I believe in. So, I tried to understand what did I feel : friendship, tenderness, some time even magnetism. But nothing else. In the end, no matter what I say or said, I wouldn't be able to do anything.
And now I wonder, if it was him, would I act? And if I didn't? Would I be shallow or just coward?

2006-04-18T23:13:00.000+01:00

I am so cold

Like I'm freezing inside

My heart's turning to ice

And shattering in a thousand pieces

My soul's melting into tears

And vanishing in a puddle of despair.

Without him nothing seems to make sense

Nothing seems worthwhile

And even though I never had him

It hurts like if I did

And though I try(in vain) to hide

My heart does belong to him

And it never did to anyone before

And maybe he's the one for me

But I'm certainly not the one for him.

2006-04-17T00:18:00.000+01:00

Why him?
He acts like a kid, he talks to me like I'm nothing, how can I love him?
He turns my life into hell, he makes me feel miserable, like I'm not worthy, like I'm going to be alone.. He acts like I'm stupid, and I'm not, like if i'm his, when I'm not,and yet I like him...
He acts like if he knows...oh please tell me he doesn't...
I react... I can't help it.
And then... when I start thinking I hate him so much, that someday I'll...I'll...whatever, he acts so sweet I...regret what I felt, and I believe that maybe he's not that bad. Then he does it again, and this stars all over again.
He's an asshole, at least with me, but I like him
Why?

Art & Vandalism

2006-04-09T13:20:00.000+01:00

This is...

... Vandalism

This...

...is Art

Get the differences???

Blue Mood

2006-04-06T21:33:00.000+01:00

Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

But , then there was noone before me,

Whispering "Please adore me"

And when I looked, the moon was still Blue

Bon Voyage, my friend...!

2006-04-05T20:51:00.000+01:00

Everytime you leave my side, a part of me leaves with you...

2006-04-04T00:35:00.000+01:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!
I hate this!!!!!!!!!!! Can someone make it stop?

2006-03-29T18:49:00.000+01:00

I want to live like Jack and Sally, where the night lasts forever and the moon is always full. Maybe they live surrounded by monsters and nightmares, but even there there's place for love.

So why can't I find it in my world?

I don't ask for a love that lasts forever and after. Not yet.

Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am...I'm lost without him.

And at the same time, I hate the way I feel...

Picture from the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (directed by the brilliant Tim Burton), characters Jack and Sally (well..duh) that live the most beautiful and original love story I know. In the background, Blink 182, the band that sings the words in italic.

So afraid...

2006-03-28T22:10:00.000+01:00

I'm so afraid of being alone. Afraid I might get lost in the dark, in the silence.
I hate being afraid. I don't want to be afraid. But it's so hard. It's so hard when you feel that what you fear the most is exactly what will happen. And it gets even harder for me not to fear loneliness when everyone else seems to have someone. Except for me. And it gets worse when you feel that everyone's walking away from you.
I feel so tired, so scared, so lost. So lonely.
I don't know what I need, what I want, if there is anything that can save me from this.
I wonder if there is something or someone that can show me the way out.

Let me go

2006-03-18T01:40:00.000Z

ah...look at this landscape....so peaceful, so quiet. but still, for me, it means freedom. independency. ah, how I want it....how I hate to depend on someone, whoever is. How I like to feel like I can do whatever I please.
I know I'm not free (yet). I know I'm not independent (yet). I'm not on my own (yet). But believe me, I have my beliefs, my ideals, my opinions. And they are exclusive of my own.
No, I'm not free yet. But I will be. And when that happens, noone will ever take that away from me.

Passion

2006-03-17T20:24:00.000Z

Passion... could you live without passion? And can you live with it?

It tears you apart, rip off your soul, break you heart in to pieces...

And at the same time, your heart races, the blood boils and you just can't feel anything else.

It occupies your mind and your heart, takes control of your body, of every part of you.

Brings up the wildest part of your being.

Is there anything as irrational as passion? And is there anything more human?

Passion

Could you live without it?

How well do you know me?

2006-03-13T23:33:00.000Z

Maybe you know who's my favourite actor, what's my favourite food and drink.
Maybe you know the kind of movies I like, but do you know why I like movies?
Maybe you know the kind of music that I hear, but do you know which reaches to the heart?
Maybe you know the kind of books I read, but do you know how I get lost in them?
Maybe you know that my friends are important, but do you know how much?
But...
Do you know?
Do you know what's my worst flaw?
Do you know what's my greatest passion? My ultimate desire? My worst fear?
Do you know who's the most important person in my life?
Do you know why am I so proud?
Do you know where did my strength come from?
Do you know why am I studying science and not art?
If my house was on fire, what would i rescue first?
And...
Can you read between the lines, when you read what I write?
Can you feel through my drawings, what I feel when I draw them?
Can you hear how I sing through my bass?
Can you feel my pain,even when I'm not crying?
So...can you tell for sure, that you really know me?

Play

2006-03-12T22:46:00.000Z

Play what you feel, what you want, what you can't express in words
Play for fun, with anger, crying, smiling, in any state of mind
Play when it's raining, play when the sun is shining, play with the storm in the background
Play for the pleasure of playing, for the power of creating
Play the drums, the guitar, the bass, be the voice
Play the blues of love, the rock of friendship, the classical truth
Play the meaning of life
Play the hard goodbye
Play...

Just don't play with me.

The beauty of small things

2006-03-06T20:07:00.000Z

The beauty of life can be found in the small things as it can be found in the great one. Perhaps even more. Look at flower in the picture, it's probably the size of the tip of your finger but it's beautiful anyway. By the way, it's my favourite flower Forget-me-not (miosótis).

So, yes, I admit it. I do care a lot about the small things. But how could it be otherwise? During my whole life, I found happiness in little smiles, little gestures, they usually meant a lot to me. The question is, "size" is very relative. Sometimes you do things that seem so small, so insginficant, but they can mean the world to another person. With me, that happens a lot.

Say what you want, but for me, there's as much beauty in this forget-me-not as there is in the most luxurious rose you can found.

In the end, why do I walk alone?

2006-03-04T22:25:00.000Z

I must start to admit that I have the best friends in the world, understanding, suportive, they're just great. And I must say to, that I don't blame anyone. I guess it's just fate, that everytime I really need someone next to me, there's noone there. I'm not the center of my friends' life, just a part of it, i think. But, considering the great friends i've got, why did i went through the worst moments in my life, all by myself? I faced them, i found my way through and I reach the end, alone. Always alone. I fight alone, i struggle alone, i cry alone, i walk alone, in the end. But it's not their fault. With all the struggling and fighting, i became stronger and prouder. One thing's a fact, I'm to proud to cry in public. It's something that changed, really changed, lately I only cry alone. I stop crying the moment I hear my mom coming home or my sister leaving her room. I won't even cry in front of my best friend. What's is wrong with me? why am i so afraid of showing my feelings, my flaws, my weakness? When i'm so aware of my inner strenght?
That's why I walk alone. I'm to proud. I simply won't ask anyone to join me. So, in the end, will I also be alone? Alone for the rest of my days? But the main question is, can i live like that?

Fresh Start

2006-03-02T00:28:00.000Z

Today everything changes
A lot has happened in the last few days. It made me realise, that i need a change
And so, what better way to show it and celebrate it, than beginning a brand new blog?
Hope you like as much(or more) as the first.
but for now...

Welcome to the second part of my life!